the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
