My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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