Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
