you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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