I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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