if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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