please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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