I can't breathe out the right side of my face
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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