Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
