Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
