Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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