If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
