I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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