There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
