I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
