First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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