I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
