I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
