mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
