Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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