You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't think brook has ever known best
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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