So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can text with my tongue
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
