your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
