I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
