i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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