Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
