I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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