Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
