I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
