3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
