There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
