im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
