I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
