I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
