I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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