The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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