I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if only i could text you this smell
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
