too bad you live with your parents still
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
