You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
