chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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