he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
