She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
