pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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