Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
