Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
