after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
