just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
