I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
