my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
found the other keg... it's in the tree
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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