The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
