Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
