I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
